"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Woody Allen

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

Woody Allen

"I am two with nature."

Woody Allen

"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."

Woody Allen

"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."

Woody Allen

"I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her."

Woody Allen

"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."

Woody Allen

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

Woody Allen

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."

Woody Allen

"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."

Woody Allen

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